Realizing what I should and should not do as a dyke
I really am starting to realize that I have become a huge target for terfs and other people who view my wanting trans women in lesbian porn as trying to go against the will of cis lesbians. I realized I cannot respond to attacks any longer without being called a rapist, a man or anything attacks along those lines. I think what is important is to paint the picture of me as dyke and what I actually went through compared to people assuming I’m just demanding to be included in a genre of porn because of the money. I came out when I was 15 year old as trans with the support of my high school girlfriend holding my hand when I told my parents in our apartment’s living room. The next day I was taken to a therapist who said I had Gender Identity Disorder but If I wanted to take any real step at transitioning I would need to do it as a straight female and being the only person I knew who had any power to effect my transition I listened to him and tried to entirely push out liking women including dating a few gay cis boys who really had nothing in common sexually. I had a super anti gay Step Dad who allowed me to live as female in the house but only if I conformed to rigid gender standards such as always having to be in full makeup, always wearing dresses, never wearing pants to try to snap me out of being trans this was all while having slurs thrown at me such as “Faggot”, “Shemale” and “Tranny”. This were my high school years until Senior Year when my Mother finally divorced him and I moved to my Grandparents house were I was really allowed to dress however I wanted but still in the back of my mind at all times was I needed to be straight if I actually wanted to transition. Shortly after I graduated High School and attempting to be straight still I became very depressed and attempted suicide by taking a handful of pills that did nothing. A few months later I met my first serious partner who was a queer cis woman and We moved in together a few days after dating and I finally started hormones I ordered off the internet and really began to realize that I can be a trans woman and transition without having to be confided to being straight and actually date people who I was attracted to and that was women and femme presenting people. Shortly after we broke up I started to identify as a dyke because that was often the way I was viewed and it felt the most comfortable label for me and felt a lot in common with other dykes who often went through situations of having parents being upset with their gender presentation or being into women or assuming they are actually straight and just pretending to be gay. All of those things I have lived and to this day live. I noticed in most queer spaces I was the only trans woman. When I went to the gay bar I became one of the dykes who would always go there every thursday and every single dyke loosely dressed the same usually of flannel, skinny jeans and a flat bill. I became part of their circle where every week would be a drama of who was making out with who and who’s dating who. A few weeks before I moved to California I ended up having a 3 some with two of them and until that moment they had no clue I was trans not that I was hiding it or anything but it wasn’t an issue. I asked t them after if they have ever been in a trans woman before and they responded “No, I would have never considered a trans partner before because trans woman can’t really be dykes but you are totally a dyke.” I think the way the cotton ceiling in porn works for a lot of dykes is just throwing a blanket over all trans people and saying you couldn’t really have anything in common with cis dykes. I’m in no way saying everyone is wrong for not being into trans woman but rather throwing a blanket statement over an entire group of people isn’t right. I mean trans women very as much as cis dykes in porn. I mean who wouldn’t dismiss all cis women for shooting for an anal site because some don’t want to do it. Why would you dismiss all trans women in dyke porn because some can’t do vaginal sex. There have been people in dyke porn who have been stone tops and people have received anal instead of vaginal sex. Even there are trans women who are post op who can do vaginal sex. I want to be included in the genre of porn I already do in queer porn, the genre that allows me to shoot with the people I’m attracted to, the genre that can actually allow me to make a comfortable living with my skill set and the genre that just feels right. I mean right now my other open tabs are “Cute Sf date ideas” for a date with a cis dyke who I’m crushing on so hard right, “Aslan harnesses”, and “Gifs of Emily and Naomi from skins on Tumblr” like the whole idea that my identity and my status as dyke is not as valid as someone just because they were born with a vagina is extremely insulting. I just want to be treated like cis dyke performer and get the same shoots with a list of consenting partners who want to work with me instead of having my identity questioned and deemed as not valid but someone who knows nothing of my life or experiences. I realize how sometimes being quiet is what is needed to look strong in the face of slurs, denial and allegations but I cannot stress how much of a struggle it is when they are questioning your existence.